Jan-Gel: The Beast From the East/Jan-Gel II: The Beast Returns

Starring:Dale Clukey, Marvin Kennedy, Lester Myers, David Powers (IV), Beth Simmons, Rick Sinchak
Studio: Alpha Video
Product Type: DVD

Average customer rating:

Exophthalmos And The Stockholm Syndrome Snakebite Kit...
In the realm of bad movies, Conrad Brooks is king
astounding!!

Jan-Gel: The Beast From the East/Jan-Gel II: The Beast Returns
Starring: Dale Clukey , Marvin Kennedy , Lester Myers , David Powers (IV) , and Beth Simmons
Manufacturer: Alpha Video
ProductGroup: DVD
Binding: DVD

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ASIN: B0002W4UR0
Release Date: 2004-10-26

Customer Reviews:

Exophthalmos And The Stockholm Syndrome Snakebite Kit..........2007-01-19

Conrad Brooks is hereby declared the worst actor, director, and producer since his mentor, Ed Wood went to the great cutting room in the sky.

Brooks has been in over 200 films, and this duo (the first of which is dedicated to Wood and Tor Johnson) are two recent entries (from 1999 and 2001). The movies are the twenty-first century touchstone for bad movie aficionados such as myself. Both films are short, incomprehensible, feature non-actors failing to act, no sets, costumes, or production values to speak of, and stars a monster (Dale Clukey) who is a rotund ancient caveman (evidently with Graves' Opthamolopathy producing extremely protruding eyeballs; exophthalomos) from Iceland wearing a loincloth of pumaskin. In other words, these films are perfect for anyone hungry for cheese.

The first feature, "Jan-Gel The Beast From the East," starts with Jan-Gel's ship from Iceland sinking and Jan-Gel somehow alighting in West Virginia. He goes on a rampage through the countryside, although there are no funds for special effects, so all we get to see of the horrifying attacks is Jan-Gel wagging his fingers at his victims in a manner reminiscent of the harem scenes from "Manos, The Hands of Fate," only much less scary. The plot has many detours along the way, from a disc jockey introducing a song about earwax (really, I absolutely swear), to a sheriff discussing the other creatures they have previously chased but have now eliminated from the case. These creatures include Bigfoot, the chupacabra, the Jersey Devil, and, most entertainingly, a monster ostensibly from Maryland called "Snoutagaster."

Conrad Brooks plays an agent named Conrad Brooks, and along with the least credible law enforcement presence ever filmed (and I include Paul Marco's performance from "Plan 9" in my assessment) pursue the creature through the woods after encountering the single worst actress in the history of film, whose daughter has been kidnapped. Please watch for the longest and most ridiculous man versus rubber snake scene in film history (which will definitely make all Wood fans recall Bela Lugosi in the pit with the giant rubber octopus) resulting in a little Stockholm Syndrome induced compassion for Jan-Gel. After Brooks and crew catch Jan-Gel they shoot him. Yes, Jan-Gel is dead...or is he? I won't spoil the ending but I will say it is perhaps the most singularly abrupt and inconclusive ending in cinema history.

The second film starts extremely strongly when a typo in the credits yields "Jengal The Beast Returns." Only Brooks could do that (whether intentional or not I don't know or care, but either way it is the stroke of the true master). This time Jan-Gel is a lookout man for some fortunetelling gypsy bank robbers in Tampa. During a video store robbery he gets shot in the head, and in the single worst scene ever filmed he has the bullet removed by a lunatic former plastic surgeon to the mob, Dr. Rocula. (Oh, the hilarity!) Dr. Rocula has a very disquieting dialogue with a brain in a box that tells him what to do by ESP: I absolutely dare you to follow the good doctor's dialogue. Rocula is on probation, and after a brief bit of padding while Brooks and fellow paranormal investigator "Inspector Gustavo Perez" (played by none other than Gustavo Perez, in an imaginative bit of casting) drop by and see Rocula's parole officer, they find that the doctor is now caretaker of "Tampa's oldest cemetery," and lives in the old abandoned mansion beside it. In a bit of sublime location selection, we next see Brooks and Perez visiting the "mansion," which is actually a small, aluminum tool shed, complete with metal door. The two ask Rocula some hard-hitting questions and examine his orange hairpiece (which is the least natural pelage in history) at great length, and eventually resolve the mess as well as it can be resolved with the help of a train and the worst special effect of the new millennium. I want to point out that the first film featured the worst actress in history, and that the sequel features easily the worst actor in film history in the character of Inspector Gustavo Perez. If you do not believe me, please watch the gripping scene when he discusses the pitfalls of parole violations with Dr. Rocula. Watch it two or three times. I defy you to find a more wooden performance this side of the spruce family.

These two films are an absolute treasure for the lover of films so bad they are good. These are unbelievable in all regards, and I can't imagine that Ed Wood isn't smiling at Conrad with deep admiration for the homage he has paid him.

In the realm of bad movies, Conrad Brooks is king.......2006-06-02

It's a wonderful time for a bad movie lover to be alive. With the advent of modern, affordable moviemaking equipment, everybody and his brother seems to be making a film these days. That means the supply of laughably awful films grows daily by leaps and bounds. Unless you have nothing but money and time on your hands, there's no way you can indulge in a steady supply of turkeys, but you really should feast upon the work of one Conrad Brooks, the man who brought us Jan-Gel. How can you not love a guy who dedicates a film to Tor Johnson and Ed Wood? What if I told you he worked with both of them? In fact, his first film was also Ed Wood's first film, and Brooks went on to appear in such, ahem, classics as Glen or Glenda, Jail Bait, and Plan 9 From Outer Space (he also had a part in Tim Burton's film Ed Wood). Just go take a look at the guy's filmography (he's been in over 200 films), and you'll see that Conrad Brooks' bad movie credentials are second to none. Honestly, the guy's my new hero. Nowadays, Brooks is making his own low-budget movies. Back in 1999, he wrote, directed, and starred in Jan-Gel: The Beast from the East, which would soon be followed by Jan-Gel 2: The Beast Returns. Both films are everything a bad movie lover dreams of.

So who is this Jan-Gel dude? Well, somewhere around 50,000 years ago, this prehistoric guy went and got himself encased in ice. Thanks to a shipping accident, he woke up somewhere in West Virginia and decided to start killing people - it helps him break up the monotony of yelling unintelligibly all the time. Fortunately for him, his victims don't try to run away - Jan-Gel would never catch them if they ran. I don't know what he was eating 50,000 years ago, but I know he ate a whole heck of a lot of it because his leopard skin wardrobe really accentuates his prominent beer belly. He basically looks like he could be Tor Johnson's ugly little brother. So, anyway, he keeps killing people. Desperate to stop the guy (and apparently unwilling to actually do anything himself), the top cop calls in Conrad Brooks and some military guy to track the creature down and take care of it. They think they get the job done, but ... fast forward to the sequel, Jan-Gel II: The Beast Returns. Old Jan-Gel's got himself a job as lookout for some gypsy robbers hitting joints all over Tampa. It isn't long before Conrad Brooks shows up in town, still searching for the elusive beast. The trail eventually leads to one Dr. Acula, every bad guy's favorite doctor down Florida way. This guy is even weirder than Jan-Gel - he has a pet brain that he simply adores (and also depends upon to tell him what to do during surgeries). Getting back to the story - well, there's a lot more walking in the woods, the inevitable second encounter between Conrad and the Beast, and an unexpected sort of ending.

No one will be admitted into the theater during the thrilling (and interminably long) wrestling match between Jan-Gel and the world's fakest snake. That's pretty much the highlight of the whole Jan-Gel experience. Let's forget about the poor scripts, bare-bone sets, and poor camcorder-quality video for a moment, though. What really makes the Jan-Gel films so special is the acting. You just haven't seen bad acting until you've seen Jan-Gel. No one in either movie could act his/her way out of a dark room with a flashlight. Rarely showing any emotion, the actors deliver their lines in slow, clipped monologues that sound about as natural as a horse quacking like a duck. The actors don't seem nervous at all - they just can't act. It's obvious no second takes were ever done, so you get what you get from each scene. Maybe that explains why characters sometimes contradict themselves in the space of a few words (but it doesn't explain why Dr. Acula's "mansion" turned out to be a tool shed).

Jan-Gel and Jan-Gel II truly are bad movies that just keep on giving. Even though both films run less than an hour apiece, they provide the viewer with untold hours of re-watchable fun and laughs. You'll want to invite everyone you know over to enjoy the Jan-Gel experience with you over and over again.

astounding!!.......2005-01-08

you must see this to believe it! one of the most unique dvds i have ever owned or watched! UNREAL!

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